General considerations about affective deprivation

We all like affection and affection, however, when talking about affective neediness, it is important to work with breaking some stereotypes and romanticizations, since an affective needy person is someone who depends emotionally on one or more people and should not be confused with someone who demands a lot of affection.

That person may, for example, depend on their partner's approval of their self-esteem, their career choices, and even the way they relate to others. And for the other person, the weight is too great to carry, an individual and all their emotional baggage, being unhealthy for both.

Affective neediness, how it manifests and develops

At first, this affective neediness can even be understood as cute, sweet and even a charm. However, over time, the charges become more intense and people start to become more dependent, creating an endless loop of problems. Check now the main causes and what are the first signs of affective neediness!

What is affective neediness

Affective neediness is psychologically called Emotional Affective Dependency, and in the life of the person who has it, it is a feeling of insufficiency or lack, usually caused by abandonment or trauma. This feeling leaves the person emotionally more fragile, making them feel fear of abandonment and loss.

And, when in a relationship, whether romantic or not, this person passes all this responsibility of staying, of not abandoning her anymore, to the partner, having to deal with all the insecurities and worries about not being enough for the other person. Besides that, emotional blackmail is usually very common in this kind of relationship.

How affective neediness manifests itself

The name affective neediness is given to all neediness, however there are two types, the so-called safe and those that manifest themselves through anxiety and trauma. It is important that this be clear, because people with perfectly healthy experiences can yes, have moments of neediness that are normal.

It is normal to want a company for silly things or just talk about nothing at an inappropriate time. To know the difference between one and the other, you must analyze the history of the person as a whole and, especially, know how to dose the intensity of this need, and know the importance of these elements in your life.

How the problem develops

This lack, or dependency, usually manifests itself in the first years of life or, at the latest, in early childhood. Usually, the child who develops this type of trait feels abandoned or isolated, which makes him/her feel unable to solve some things as he/she develops.

The adult, in the life of the developing child, needs to be a facilitator and also a supporter. This guardian will, for example, tie your shoelaces until you have enough motor coordination to teach you how to do it. This is just one example, but they are responsible for the whole formation of that person until they are five years old.

However, when this child does not receive instruction on how to tie those shoelaces or who to tie them, he will live with them untied until someone ties them for him, in adolescence or adulthood. And, for him, at that moment, that person will be a sign of protection and care. This is exactly the logic that a person with emotional emotional dependence faces daily.

Securely manifested affective need

When we talk about a level of neediness that is considered healthy, we are usually talking about a person who has had a healthy life and social structure. This is the neediness of someone who received a lot of affection and stimulation in childhood and, because they know and have experienced this life, they seek this in their partners.

This kind of neediness is very important, because it brings the certainty that a person who knows affection does not want and cannot live without it, but, of course, without exaggeration. Usually, they are affectionate and loving people, but they can make their own decisions by themselves and also do not need company all the time. It is a fair exchange and without charges.

Of course this is not a rule, since there are people coming out of healthy environments who emotionally abuse others, but this is already an issue more focused on power relations and abusive relationships.

Affective neediness manifested with anxiety

The affective neediness manifested in anxiety is a little more complex than that manifested in security, since it involves infinite causes and circumstances. Usually, the person has an excessive emotional attachment with some of his closest relationships and depends on that person for the most diverse functions.

Usually, she had some abandonment or trauma in her childhood, which makes her think that everyone around her is just passing by. With this abandonment, she creates a sense of insufficiency, because, for her, the past abandonment was her fault. In this way, she tries to keep those in her life very close, being obsessive and even assuming abusive behaviors.

What are the symptoms of emotional neediness

There are some symptoms that you notice in someone who has this excessive affective neediness and it is necessary to understand about each one of them, because they can manifest in various stages of life and also in various types of relationships.

This can be present, for example, in the relationship with your mother or father, for example. Check out the most common symptoms, how to identify them and how you should deal with them!

Need for attention

Because this person has usually been through a situation of abandonment, he or she usually likes to get attention, so it's common for them to want to speak up in places where they go or to exaggerate a lot when talking about a situation that has happened to them, emphasizing how much they are suffering and need help.

Another trait that can be very common is the simulation of some situations, such as pretending to be sick to receive a visit or that she is sad just so that her friends will have more time to stay with her and do her needs. She may keep calling or texting until you answer, having a difficulty understanding the other person's space.

Feeling of inferiority

Just like when they were abandoned or neglected and felt that it was their fault, the person suffering from affective emotional dependency is someone who deals with feeling inferior often. In their mind, being with them is a burden and that no one would really want to be there.

These people have great difficulty believing in their potential, always putting themselves down and demeaning themselves. It is common for them to make constant self-deprecating jokes and to always be seeking approval, because they are insecure and feel unable to take care of themselves.

Extreme submission to people

Perhaps one of the most striking traits of the needy affective is submission and the extreme need to please. They want others to like them, and it doesn't matter if it makes them feel distant from their own essence. The fear of abandonment is so great that they just want to be with the other person, no matter what the cost.

This situation can be the most problematic, since if a person who is emotionally needy relates to someone with abusive characteristics, this person can take advantage of this fragility and vulnerability. The relationship structure sought by someone with emotional dependence is already unhealthy, but it can be much worse if the other party acts in bad faith.

Constant fear of loneliness

The fear of abandonment and loneliness are latent in the lives of the affective emotional dependent. This is because, unlike some people who understand loneliness as solitude, which is the fruitful form of time in isolation, the affective needy understand it as something desperate and empty, needing to be accompanied all the time.

For them, simple situations that one does alone can be challenging, like a simple walk in the mall or going to a doctor's appointment. And, since they don't understand the fact that someone feels pleasure in doing things alone, they usually try to inhibit their partners from also doing things without them, which is, and very harmful for the future of any relationship.

Constant fear of displeasing

Losing the people who are close is the worst scenario for the affective needy, so they do the possible and the impossible not to displease those who seem to like them. But, this is not done in a healthy and fluid way, on the contrary, they try to fit in all spaces so that their company is profitable.

It's common, for example, for them to start sports that the other does just to be together, to start eating one type of food just to please the other, or even to listen to a new genre of music or consume one type of culture. However, over time, this becomes invasive, making the other want to walk away.

Excessive jealousy in relationships

A person with affective neediness can be extremely jealous and obsessive, for the simple fact of always wanting to be together and having a great fear of losing that person. Usually, it becomes someone who isolates the partner from friends and family, showing up bothered with friendships and even the simplest phone calls.

She wants to be in control and the fear of substitution makes her invasive, scouring social networks, forbidding contacts and, when she 'allows' the other to leave, she keeps calling and texting to know where the other is, with whom he/she is and what he/she is doing. In this sense, she can assume a violent and obsessive behavior.

Conditioning happiness on someone else

For people who suffer from excessive emotional neediness, happiness is always being with the other. This is because, deep down, we think that happiness is to have something we don't have. And, since these people have been deprived of some important presences in their development and socialization, they think that happiness is to have the other.

Normally, they expect the other to solve their anguishes and insecurities and, in an erroneous way, they understand that the relationship is the door to happiness that they have never experienced. It is a very complicated situation, because the other person has to deal, in a forced way, with their own expectations and those of the other person.

Living for the dream of others

This is a very serious problem that affects emotional and affective dependents, since when the relationship ends, they are bewildered and aimless, because they were planning a whole life based on the dreams and goals of the other. They want to please and belong, and for this, they leave aside their own personality, living lives that are not their own.

They tend to remake their whole life route to be near those they love, but this lack of personality will tire the other person, who will want more and more distance. It is very complicated, even, to understand this type of relationship, because, from the outside, it seems that one is conducting the relationship at his pleasure when, in fact, the other is trying to be in all the spaces of hislife.

Not having plans for one's life

When a person does not orbit the center of his or her own life and chooses someone else to be the bigger star, the tendency is that this person does not have plans and goals of his or her own, since he or she always depends on directions. This is what happens with emotional and affective dependents. They treat their own life in such a secondary way that they are unable to trace their own goals.

They, in general, attach themselves to the plans of the one they love, putting all their energy into making them real for both of them. However, when the person no longer wants them, the affective dependent person is left without ground, since he/she hasn't thought of anything that he/she could do alone or that was truly his. Roughly speaking, the emotional dependent person lives a kind of constant parasitism.

How to treat emotional neediness

There are several ways to treat emotional dependence affective, mainly through therapy and psychological and psychiatric monitoring. All of them, based on conversation, understanding, making the person trust a little more in it and its potential. Check now how is the treatment and what are the first steps for those suffering from affective neediness!

Recognize the problem

The first step to dealing with any problem is to acknowledge it. It's not ugly to ask for help, much less tell the world you're not okay. You get it. Start by observing the little habits. When was the last time you enjoyed the time you spent alone with your company?

What are the most frequent complaints you receive about your behavior? What are your dreams and goals? Are they the same as in your previous relationship? These are important questions to help you diagnose yourself and seek help.

Face the problem without guilt

No child is responsible for the childhood they have, and since we're talking about a problem that commonly affects people who had atypical childhoods, always remember that it's not your fault. The first step is to accept that you need help, and the second is to get rid of the guilt.

It is not a shame, since, according to a survey conducted by the World Health Organization earlier this year, 15.5% of Brazilians suffer or will suffer from depression or some psychic disorder throughout their lives. Today, we have already counted 18.6 diagnosed with anxiety. You are not alone, the important thing is to take care of yourself.

Value yourself

Working with self-love in this beginning may seem difficult, but it is essential for the process to evolve faster. Look at yourself and the things you like and can do, the qualities you have and even use this time to recognize your flaws too, seeing them in a more human way, not blaming yourself for them.

Start with the most basic things, things you already appreciate about yourself. For example, you love your hair, wear it the way you like it best and talk to yourself in the mirror. Compliment yourself. If you need to, make a list of your qualities. The flaws, in time, you will learn to deal with.

Seek help and emotional support

Your friends are not professional help. This is something you should always keep in mind, but, of course, talking to them is fundamental for the process to be more fruitful. Just remember that only talking to friends will not be as effective as talking to a professional.

SUS offers psychological counseling, which can be very interesting at first. And, in case you feel a great urgency, there are clinics that work with the most varied prices and treatment lines.

Value your own company

It may not seem like it, but you are your only company all day long. You are with you from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep. You are with you even during your sleep, so it's only fair that you start to appreciate this time you spend together, you and you.

Start slowly. Have you ever been to the movies alone? Maybe it's time to give it a try. On the way, enjoy your favorite playlist and the scenery. Buy a large popcorn and a juice. You'll see how amazing your company is.

And don't feel bad if you get anxious at some point. It's a learning process and that's completely normal. Take your time, but go.

Practice physical activities

Practicing a physical activity during this process can help, and a lot, in its effectiveness and speed. This is because physical exercise promotes the production of a series of beneficial hormones for the body maintenance, such as serotonin, known as the happiness hormone.

In addition, with the increased circulation of blood through the body, exercises promote a sense of well-being and clarity of ideas. Try to do them in the morning, so you start the day more relaxed. Just don't be too hard on yourself in the beginning.

Do not enter into relationships until you are ready

The main idea of a treatment to learn to deal with affective neediness is emotional and affective responsibility, and for this, one must think of the other as well. When we hurt someone and we know we are doing it because we are not well, it is our responsibility.

You don't receive visitors in a messy house, right? It's not prudent. So why would it be prudent to receive someone when your life is messy and changing? Respect is key. Respect for the other person and their feelings, as well as your feelings. Give it time.

Focus on the positive aspect of life

Life is not always beautiful or fair, but we cannot live only lamenting for what we lack, without being grateful for what we have. Living is exactly on this threshold. The little things in life are too precious to be ignored.

Face every situation as relative and, at first, try to look at it as if it was not with you. Look at it from the outside, maybe there is some purpose in the bad phase, exercise your gratitude and patience in understanding this, to understand that not only success lives man.

What are the consequences of lack of affection

Emotional emotional dependence has serious consequences in the life of those who live with this type of behavior, since it has a direct relationship in how the person relates, how he perceives himself in the world and interferes in it.

Thus, it is very important that the person is always watching some areas of life, because you can go through this and without even knowing. Check now the main consequences of emotional neediness and how it manifests itself over time!

Interpersonal conflicts

A warning sign can be constant interpersonal conflicts. A person suffering from affective neediness is someone who demands a lot of space and attention, inhibiting the personal space of others, which directly affects their relationships and closest relationships.

Besides that, people who nurture a colder relationship with the person who suffers from this disease, in the corporate environment, for example, may complain about the fact that the person is controlling, manipulative and even assumes a hysterical behavior when contradicted or challenged. These conflicts can be very stressful and bad for the image.

Emotional difficulties

One of the fields most affected by affective neediness is the emotional field, which is basically where all these transformations happen. The person who goes through this usually has great difficulty in dealing with their own emotions, always living in extremes. If they are happy, they reach euphoria very quickly. However, when they are sad, it is always very deep and intense too.

In general, this difficulty is due to a distancing or escape from one's own emotions. By avoiding dealing with them, it is easier to follow. But, when we do not deal with the 'elephant in the room', it starts to get bigger and interfere in several areas of life. We function from the inside out and it is very important that we always keep this in mind.

Experiencing abusive relationships

Perhaps this is the most discussed point when talking about needy affective. Abusive relationships, unfortunately, are characteristics of those who have this kind of behavior, because, many times, the person doesn't even realize how badly they are doing to the other person.

The relationship can be toxic in many ways, because they are two personalities who fight every day to exist in a relationship that wants to make them one. So this 'fight' for space, can end in the most traumatic ways, such as psychological, verbal and even physical violence.

Career stagnation

One of the most striking traits in emotionally dependent people is their conflictive temperament, which in spaces like corporate, for example, can leave a very bad mark. This can end up hindering their growth and causing them to become stagnant or even have difficulty getting or staying in jobs.

Besides this, the professional sphere normally demands team work, which can be very difficult for affective needy people, since they like to boss around and impose their wills in a not very cordial way. They can be coarse and stormy, making the relationship very complicated or even impossible.

Why is learning to trust so important in overcoming emotional neediness?

Insecurity is the fuel that feeds affective neediness. It is because of it that the person depends, emotionally abuses and gives up their own life in order to be loved. When we learn to trust the other and, above all, in ourselves, we understand that the substantial we already have and that this, in a certain way, can be enough for us.

Working on our confidence, our sense of survival, is important for us to live fully. Not always where we are offered love is where we should be and it is important that we know that not every opportunity is valid. The needy affectively have a lot of trouble with this, with understanding that not every open door is to be crossed.